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Patent illustration of pregnant woman strapped tothe outside of a round rotating platform, feet at the outside. A basket awaits the infant.
US Patent #3,216,423

In January of 1963, husband and wife George and Charlotte Blonsky submitted a patent application for a revolutionary invention. George, a mining engineer, was not a father himself, but he was fond of children, and he evidently wished to expedite the propagation of the human species. To that end, the Blonskys proposed their “Apparatus for facilitating the birth of a child by centrifugal force,” and they were granted US patent #3,216,423. The patent application described the purpose and operation of the apparatus thus:

It is known, that due to natural anatomical conditions, the fetus needs the application of considerable propelling force to enable it to push aside the constricting vaginal walls, to overcome the friction of the uteral and vaginal surfaces and to counteract the atmospheric pressure opposing the emergence of the child. In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized Women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the muscles needed in confinement.

It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts.

In accordance with the invention, there is provided rotatable apparatus capable of subjecting the mother and the fetus to a centrifugal force directed to assist and supplement the efforts of the mother so that such centrifugal force and her efforts act in concert to overcome the action of resisting forces and facilitate the delivery of the child.

The patent application made no mention of strategies for managing motion sickness for the persons subjected to the fictitious centrifugal force in question. Despite the novelty of this approach, the Blonskys did not succeed in pushing their creation into the world.

Unpleasant Duties of a Father, Adriaen Brouwer, 1631
Unpleasant Duties of a Father, Adriaen Brouwer, 1631

Lack of access to centrifugal birthing apparatuses notwithstanding, I, Alan Bellows, founder and resident bottleneck, have very recently become a father. Consequently we hope you will forgive this slight delay in our ordinary writing operations as I attempt to adapt to my new life with a very immature human. Insert poop joke here.

We have multiple articles in various stages of completion, and those will begin to appear once the child-dust settles. And fans of our Curated Links need not worry at all⁠—that service will continue unabated.

While we have you, we wish to express our gratitude to all of our donors. On the heels of a few rough months, in March we have met our monthly goal⁠—including the stretch goal⁠—for the first time in a long while. Your kindness has our heads spinning like an apparatus for facilitating the birth of a child. Sincere thanks.

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